Funny Humorous Quotes

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.
- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES BY BUDDHA

1. “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”

2. “All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?”

3. “Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” 

4. “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” 

5. “However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you If you do not act on upon them?”

6. “Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.” 

7. “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”

8. “In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.”

9. “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” 

10. “The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” 

 Also is the final one by The Buddha:

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”

POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND QUOTES

“The day is what you make it! So why not make it a great one?” ~ Steve Schulte

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so.” ~ Hamlet

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” ~ Og Mandino

“You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations.” ~ Zig Ziglar

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.” ~ Sun Tzu

“We can’t escape pain; we can’t escape the essential nature of our lives. But we do have a choice. We can give in and relent, or we can fight, persevere, and crete a life worth living, a noble life. Pain is a fact; our evaluation of it is a choice.” ~ Jacob Held

“Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity.” ~ Joseph Sugarman

“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

“Optimism is the most important human trait, because it allows us to evolve our ideas, to improve our situation, and to hope for a better tomorrow.” ~ Seth Godin

“Nothing truly stops you.  Nothing truly holds you back.  For your own will is always within your control.  Sickness may challenge your body. But are you merely your body? Lameness may impede your legs. But you are not merely your legs. Your will is bigger than your legs. Your will needn’t be affected by an incident unless you let it.” ~ Epictetus

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.” ~ Anthony Robbins

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don’t waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail.” ~ Og Mandino

MOTHER TERESA : Love Life and Live Life Quotes

1. The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. 
2. We can do no great things; only small things with great love.
3. The greatest science in the world; in heaven and on earth; is love.
4. It is not how much you do, but how much Love you put into the doing that matters.
5. Love is repaid by love alone!
6. I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
7. If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
8. Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own home. Give love to your children, to a wife or husband, to a next-door neighbor.
9. Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within the reach of every hand.
10. Smile at each other, smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other–it doesn’t matter who it is– and that will help you to grow up in greater love for each other.
11. Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
12. Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
13. What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.
14. If you think well of others, you will also speak well of others and to others. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If your heart is full of love, you will speak of love.
15. It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.

Hurtful Quotes

Hurtful words can cut deep. But the deepest cut isn't really the hurtful words at all, but rather the lost relationship and love if you choose not to put the past to rest and begin fresh.

I still have feelings for you. Not enough to want you back, But enough to make it hurt.

I wish it were as easy to hate someone as it were to UNFRIEND them.

It's HARD if some one special ignores you but it's HARDER pretending that you just don't care.

Trying to forget someone who hurt you so much is like trying to remember someone you never met.

Someone can hurt you more than you deserve because you love them more than they deserve.

The worst feeling is not being lonely. It's when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you and you have to pretend you don't mind at all.

Don't over use your heart in loving someone... Sometimes you need to use your brain to stop the pain...

The worst part of being lied to, is knowing you were not worthy of the truth.

Never let the person that hurt you make you miss out on someone that wants to love you.

Happiness Quotes

1. In life, you get what you put in.  Everything comes back around.
2. You can never change the past nor control the future, but you can change the mood of the day by touching someone’s heart with your smile.
3. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.
4. Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.
5. It’s nice to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s also important to make sure you haven’t lost track of the things that money can’t buy.
6. You don’t need a lot of money to lead a rich life.  Good friends and a loving family are worth their weight in gold.
7. You will never fully believe in yourself if you keep comparing yourself to everyone else.  Instead, compare yourself to who you were yesterday. 
8. You won’t always be punished FOR your anger, but you will always be punished BY your anger.
9. Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes.  There is no need to explain or make sense of it.  Just trust what you feel.
10. One of the greatest freedoms is truly not caring what everyone else thinks of you.
11. As long as you are worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them.  Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself.
12. Don’t let anyone walk through your mind with their dirty feet.
13. It hurts the most when you start pretending it doesn’t.
14. You are responsible for how you feel no matter what someone does to you. Remember, you are always in control of your thoughts so choose to feel confident and adequate rather than angry and insecure.